I think there’s maybe some misconceptions about what adoption involves or what it’s like afterwards and I think you know, you hear a lot of horror stories about it. You hear the bad things but you don’t really hear the upside of it.

I would say the main thing is to really think it through. Think through all the details because you’re going to be really up and down with your emotions. You’re pregnant and you’re going to have hormones and different things happen throughout the process. So you really want to have even something maybe that you’ve written down that you can go back to and refer to and say, “Okay, this is what I was thinking at this point. This is why I thought adoption was the best decision”, and so on those days when you’re having a really hard time, maybe before the adoption or after the adoption, you can go back and say, “No, actually this is what I thought at this point in time and this is gonna be the best thing that I could choose.” So I think writing things down is really important thing to do.

Also, I think writing down goals that you want to accomplish. When I was going through the adoption process and I was getting more and more heavily pregnant, I had given myself different things to do and one of those things was decorating my room. It was even something so small but it was a project that I could throw myself into and so that I didn’t constantly dwell on the fact that I was pregnant and having to find a home for my child. It was something that I could almost escape into and it was a healthy project that I could put my attention towards and afterwards I had something to show for it. So it’s having little goals to set for yourself.

Things that you can do, what you can achieve, even during the process or after the process would be really helpful because you obviously want to not forget about who you are and why you made that decision in the first place. You want to take care of yourself and put time and effort into yourself because you’ll feel a lack afterwards. You will feel like a part of you is missing for a little while and that’s normal. That’s another thing as well, is to know that it’s normal to feel the grief, it’s normal to feel like everything’s not okay and to just let yourself go through those emotions. To not bottle it in but to talk to someone about it, I think it’s probably really important just to have everyone around you. There are people who know you well enough and care about you and love you and can just say, you know, “I’m here for you and if you need to eat just a tub of ice cream while we watch Netflix for hours on end and that’s okay.” Just to let yourself go through the process of the pain and also the healing. I think healing is really a part of coming to terms and moving forward in life and I think to have that healing you have to really be able to forgive yourself in away. I think for me, I really struggled with that because I wasn’t really willing to forgive myself for a few years. I could have probably healed a lot quicker had I just forgiven myself and decided that it was okay what I chose and it was the best and to really be okay with being okay.

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You are bonded to this child. You are supposed to miss this child and to understand really what pregnancy is and that you are literally attached to this little human and that is going to make separation difficult. So just because you feel scared or sad or the thought of giving the child up upset you that doesn’t mean it’s a bad decision. You are made to be attached and this is not something that everyone can do. It’s not something that everyone can choose this [no audio].

In that I have the most beautiful family. My daughter’s adoptive parents and I have the best relationship I could imagine. I have these people that invest in my life just as much as they invest in hers and I get to be there to answer the questions and frankly I get to be the rebellious fun aunt. We get to break the rules. We get to eat cookie dough when she’s not supposed to or stay up later than she’s supposed to. I get to have fun with her whereas I may not have had that if I was parenting her. It does pale in comparison to raising your own child but there are benefits. Also, I got to go on. I’m getting my doctoral degree and I never would have been able to do that as a single mom. In that I’m able to go on and help birthmothers in the long run. That’s something you don’t know what you’ll be able to do if you choose adoption. You don’t know what you’ll be able to do if you parent either. It’s just something you need to make sure is right for you and really just do some soul searching and see what your priorities are. If your priorities are that your child get the best care and you realize that you might not be able to provide that then adoption might be for you. Just really research it. Really feel it out and see if this is something you might be interested in.

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But I think if you’re conflicted about parenting versus adoption I would say look at both options and know that if adoption really is right for you but you’re afraid to because of all the stuff that’s out there, you don’t know other birthmoms, know that there is support out there now. There are a lot of birthmoms out there trying to change the experience for you as a birthmom and other birthmoms. There is a lot of resources out there to help you through the process post-placement. There’s so much more out there now than there was years ago. There’s a wealth of people who want to embrace you and support you on your journey post-placement if that’s what you choose.

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Just educate yourself about adoption and the toll that it can take on birthparetns and adoptees. Read the negative stories and read the success stories then if it still feels right then do it. If not, I think there’s a lot of resources out there to help parent or even to terminate if that’s what feels best Don’t feel bad about the decision that you make. Don’t let anyone take that decision from you. As someone who’s put in that situation where people tried to take that from me and thought I was too silly and stupid to make that decision for myself, although it was really hard, it was a really empowering moment to say “No, this is what I’m doing and you can’t stop me.” Build a support system and surround yourself with people who support you and advocate for you and take care of yourself above all else. I kind of found out that the hard way. For a really long time I just pushed myself off the side like it wasn’t something that I was concerned with. I was just like, “What can I do? What can I do?” It kind of hit me a little bit later. I think that’s really important is to let yourself grieve, feel happy, feel sad, be miserable, feel guilty. Whatever comes your way, just take care of yourself.

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